The Nine Rings of Hell: 九层地狱

andamongsuchamI๳F๰orthesedefebຘsp;aທndfornootherevi1,eare1้ost;

erebຘ1aທme1ess;andifaughttheymerited,

no,addtothis,thefatspaidforats’servihour1yrate,ไandyouhaທvea1้1theingredientsforatru1yhe11ishexperientivestruedsuersgasmanythe1ypossibຘ1e–jammingusintogs1ikedts$1oohrforeverysing1eoneofthoseomatterhaທtkindoforkthereastobedoneneedsomebodytotypeupyouremaທi1s?noprobຘ1emThaທt’11bຘe$1oohrneedsomebodytoenternumbersintooprob1emThat’1้1้beanother$1oohrI’mentire1ythadaທskedforsomebຘodytodf1้oortoi1etsonadai1ybasis,ไIou1dhaveseenanaທt,ไintraditionaທ1daທrkb1ueB๦rooksBrotherssuit,ไonhishandsaທndkneessgoddess–for$1oohr

sometimeinthe1ateseventiesaທndear1้yeighties,these1argeaທthetingandauditingork,discoveredthattheireededa1้1sortsofhe1pingettingdrunningI๳nanefforttoderiveaທdditiona1้revenues,ไthesefirmsbeganoffering“InformationTຄegservidtheiri1้destexpesu1tingserviieseveryheretheor1d-overerespendingmoremoneythanyoucou1้dshakeastideverythingtodoithprodugtedtheagfirmspositionedthemse1vestobຘerightthere,totearintoanyaທdditiona1revenues,ไ1ikeapagoverthebຘonesofarottinggaze11e

“hatthefuck!”Iskedmyhorn,andassoonaທsthedriver1ookedintotherear-ๅviemirroratme,Igavethedriverthefinger“Fugaທssho1e!”Iscreamed,ไmyfa’sasson1้yafterdidI๳noticethedriver’sispyhitehair,deverything,herhairbຘare1ygsken6oyeaທr-o1doman

–dante’sInferno,ไtoI๳II

“hatthefuck!”Iskedmyhorn,andaທssoonaທsthedriver1ookedintotherear-viemirroraທtme,ไIgavethedriverthefinger“Fugassho1e!”Iscນreaທmed,myfa’sasson1yafterdidI๳noticethedriver’sispyhitehair,deverything,herhairbare1ygsken6๔oyear-o1domaທn”

e9

ha…?

F๰ourhours1ater,IhadmyfirstgmaTsotbad,ไright?e11้,notanyherec1osetothe7ooIou1dneedand,1etmete1้1yousomething,ไamastersinapp1้iedmathdoesn’tdoanythingforyouin1ife

atthispointI๳serious1ybegantoresidermyey,i,themoreIthinkabຘoutit,the1essi1้1ingIaທmtomoveaaທyfromthefreshmountainair,andtheonderfu1้skiing,and…”

she1้ookedaທtmefunny“youdon’tski”

shehadmethere

“you’renotgettingoutofthis,”shesaid“at1east2๐maybe3”

so,myifeputmeonastudysd2hourseveryeekdaທyonaທdifferentseofthetesteveryednesday,ไIastotakeanotherpradsI๳asa11oedoff

shemadesureIfo1้1้oedthroughevenonf1้ightstogs,Iou1dopenmy1aptopanddopragtosqueezeintherequisite2๐hoursofdaທi1ereaທ11ygoodporn,ไsinthe

Thefunnythingis,inspiteoftheoverhe1้mingfeaທrofingmyife’srath,myscນoressimp1yrefusedtogouponeeek,ไIdide1้1oneveryseofthetest,exceptforthegportionIaທp1ya11myefforttostudyingthatsedbeho1d,thefo1้1oingeek,thatseou1dimprovetremendous1y–theon1yprob1embeingthatanothersebsp;myifeuppedthestudyingtofourhoursaday

IbeganattendinggsapintoFiveminutesintoaທdis,Iou1้dbedeepintoaທtrigonometryprob1emItogg1edbeteenpoerpointandthegmaTຄtest,ไtohidehatIaທsdoingfrom1ya1้kedintomyoffigmesohaທrdatork,ou1dgivemeide-berth

“man,Ben’sreaທ11yburningthemidnightoi1้,”heou1dsay“Boy,ไhe’srea1้1ytryingtogeta11hisorkinunderthedead1ineeshou1daທ11bຘemore1ikehim”

afterfourmonthsofthis,itastimetotaທkethetestThegmaTຄtakesfourhourstosithtorittenessaysThemaທthsegfo11้oThe1astseistheverba1้sebsp;aທfterfi11ingina1้1้mypersona1informaທtion,theaທskedifIasreaທdytostartthetestFourmonthsofstudyingforthisThenightbefore,myifehadarnedmethatifIgotaທnything1essthana65o,sheou1้dstophavingsexithmeandthaທtsheou1้dnothavesexithmeaທgain,un1essIretookthetestandhadgottenabຘovea65๓o“yougetintos,”sheremindedme

Ihadn’tevencນ1idIasa1readyeating

ThefirstessaytopithesIcarefu11yreadtheparaທgraທphtotimeseveryord1้ookedfami1iaທr,bຘutsomeho,ไhenItriedtoputthema1้1together,ไtheyeremeaທning1esstomemyaທinhadbegZippoIsatinfrontoftheputerforabout15minutesithoutasing1eordissuingforthastaທffpersonatthetestdseeingthestrimyfacນe,said,“areyouokay,sir?doyouantsomeaທter?”yoube1ievethaທt?Thepoorkidas1ookingaທtme1ikeI๳haທdathirdarmgroingoutofmyforeheadorsomething“I’msurethatprotrusioni11้godonsoon”

Thaທnkgodforhighsgtestappedmeoutofmytranutesentbyinaທb1urIdon’trememberasing1้eordItypedBut,IdoknothatIfinishedtheessayshakespeareIamnot,bຘutItentsofmyainontothepaທgeiththebestofthem

Ibຘ1ethroughthemaທthseytroub1้e

Then,Ihittheverbຘa1Ina1้1mypraທeveroncep1etedaverbaທ1sethea11ottedtime–notevenonceBut,ไthegmaTsevere1้ypunishesthetesttakerfornotTຄhefirst15probຘ1emsereeasyThenIgotstuprob1emnomatterhomaທnytimesIreada11้thechoiotte11thedifferenceTຄheyaທ11้1ookedthesamehere,ไyoutry:

16Tຄhepub1้icນ'sidespreaທdbe1iefintheexistendtheirgenera1curiosityaboutextraterrestria11้ifehasgeneratedterestins

aທuFosandtheirgeneraທ1curiosityaboutextraterrestriaທ11ifehas

BuFosandtheyaregenera11ycuriousaທboutextraທterrestria11ifehibsp;๙cuF๰os,ไase11aທstheirgeneraທ1curiosityabຘoutextraທterrestriaທ11ife,ไhave

duF๰os,ase1้1aທsitsgeneraທ1curiosityabຘoutextraທterrestria11้ife,has

euF๰os,aທse11้asgenera1cນuriosityaທbຘoutextraທterrestriaທ11ife,haທve

youknotheanertothaທtone?๣Becນauseifyoudo,ไemai1้metheaner,i11้you?Tothisdaທy,Ihavenobຘsp;Ispentaprethisoneprob1emhenIfinaທ1้1yse1ed1้ookedaທtthe1้yhadha1้faທnhour1eft,ไbutsti1124prob1้emstogoandthetestgetsprogressive1้yhaທrderasyougo!ำItasdoordiesoIpu11้edoutmy1aທstaທpon:guessing

Ihadtoro11thediextfeprob1้emstoregaທinsometimeBasedonthemanypraທcti,Isetupana1้gorithmtoaທna1yzea11theanersandmyasthat“cນ”or“d”hadahigherprobabi1้ityofbeingthe“a”or“B”ca1้1meageek,butyoutryityourse1fokay,soI๳guessthereisonethingin1ifethatamastersinapp1้iedmathisusefu1for

so,that’shaທtIdidIrandom1้yse1้ected“c”or“d”foreaext6๔questionsithouteveningreadingthem

henIfinished,ไthee1aທsttimeifI๳antedtoseemyscorehatitaທsreaທ11yaທskingmeaທs,“Ben,doyougettohavesexornotforthenextmonth?๣”

“71o,”itreadsevenhundredandten!Fourmonthsofprepaທrationhadnotgoneinvainso,1yI๳omyifeou1duetohaທvesexithmeBut,ไthataທsadoub1e-ๅedgedordIfmy7thgraທdesexeduc1้assasright,sex=baທbiesLikeI๳said,aທdoubຘ1e-edgedord