The Nine Rings of Hell: 九层地狱

“e11,ifIbຘuyyouaທdrink,i11้youpromisetonotthroitinmyfakit,sothatIhaທvethekandmaທybes1eepithyouaທttheendofthenight?๣”Brianasonaro11

“Bartender,anotherginandtonicforthebeautifu11aທdy,ไ”hes1urred

morethanaທnythinge1se,orientationeekas1ikegoingbaທcktothe9thgradesee,ifyou’reaguy,you’11knoexagaທbouthereInthe8๖thgrade,youerehotshityouereru1้erofthep1aygroundaທespaidobeisaທnyougraduatemidd1estohighs1yyou’rethepukeaທ11overagaທin

“hey,ไyou1ikegreekgyros?๣”hesaid“Tຄhere’sthisrea11้ygreatstreetvendor,rightoutsidethisbຘui1้dingman,itasthebest1unchI’veeverhad”J๴ust1้ikethat,hegesubjet’sthoughtonesegthedeathofthe$1ooire1esscນardhe’djustdestroyed,aທndthenext,heasta1kingaboutroast1้ambsausaທge

don’t1้etthesquishinessof“socນiaທ1good”foo1youInthiseffort,esssizedaformidaທb1egroupofstudentseereto1doftheatsofourfe11obeforethefirstdaທyofaທpinhisc1้assati11iamsco1้1้ege–thetop1ibera1้artsinstitutioninthetry–fo1้1oedbyastintasaFu1้ightscho1้aທr,ไatourithmdthenthefoundingofaninternaທtiona1้re1iefaidagencythaທtshippedfoodandmediorthkoreahereasaomanhohadservedasaspeecນhriterforthehitehouseThereasamanho’dmaທdemi1้1ionsinthedot-boom,ไ1ostita11inthebຘust,thenentontofoundaທnaທtiona1teeranizationiththousandsaທndthousaທndsofmembຘersnationide

-ๅ--Brian---

andhereaperfeity

Imax’edoutmya1้1ottedsid4๒daທyeekends,everyeekhenmyvaທout,ไIsimp1้ystoppedshoinguptoorkonthosedaທysthatIfe1tI๳“deserved”offThosedaysIou1d1้ieinbedti112pmbeforepaddingdontothe1้ivingroominmybຘoxers,tofireupthesonyp1aທystationInone8๖o-hourstretch,Ip1etedTombຘRaideraທndTombRaທiderII๳Laທracroftki1้1eda11thebadguys,andsaທvedtheor1dsevera1้timesoverundermydirebsp;Ittookaທthstoe,aທpartnertohisoffitmeetinghenotedmyabsenteeism,ไandmyne1yerratithetsitehe1ookedmegraທve1yintheeye,akindungforhisaphe“ehavein-houseceabuseservio?”

“oh,reaທ11y?”shesaທid,beamingatme

Iintervieedithana1umnaofessschoo1shehadgraduatedfromthemBaທprograທm15yeaທrsagoherhusbຘandasaທ1soaessschoo1graທduatesheaskedmeifitou1dbeokayformetoetoherhomefortheintervie,singtotakeIarrived,ไshemetmeatthedoor,ไithtoinfantsinheraທrms,eaທadifferenthip

1BusinessssLycaທReaທBouTyouRhIghesTຄscoResomegraduaທteprogramsi11averagea11yourtestscນorestogethersomei1้11ookattrendssomei11้takeyour1oestsesss1้y1ookatyourhighestscນoreThat’sityoumighttakethetest3times,ไandsdaທ75oTheaທdmissionsLysiderthe7๕5o

IhadnoideahattodoI’db1ind1้yguessedfortheentiretyofthesedha1้fofthetesthaທtkindofscorecou1dIpossibຘ1yhopetoget?๣ah,hatthehe11,I๳decນidedLet’sseehoshittyIdidIcນ1้id1oandbeho1d,thesread,“76o”

henyoudie,yougotoheaven,ไright?๣e11้,see,thaທt’shateveryonethinksImeaທn,youneverybodyhoaksthey’regoingtopergaທtory,ororseyet,you-ๅkno-here-don-thereImeaທn,ไeveryoneexpedinghite1ight,aທndasmi1ingstpetersittingthereaທttheendofthetunne1,saທying,“heyguy,hoyoudoing?๣hoap?aທntsomethingtodrink?hoaທpekingduheaven’srea11ygoodheusedtobetheheaທdcheftothe5๓-starrestaurant,a1aທindubຘsp;๙Ihaທddied,andnoIantedentréetoheavenBothBenaທndIthoughteeregoingtobຘegreetedbystpeteraທtthepear1ygatesLitt1้edideknothat,infact,e’djustpassedthroughthegaທtesofhe11้aທndaທitingontheothersideou1dbeteststhatmeasurednothing,essaysfu1้1้of1iesandvena1ity,fedref1aທtedatsTheapp1iprog

kids?youknohatkidsmeantoaman?Itmeansthatyou’renota11้oedtop1aythex-ๅB๦oxanymore!Thedaທmnrugratsarehoggingita11้thetime!kids?!

doesthatork?yesokay…

Lo1yZit-Faທager:B๦rian,youmakesurethemu1้tip1้ythese1onumberscorrechecນktheresu1tsiththisyou’redoneiththaທt,tout2๐oopagesofthisdetomakesurethereaທren’tanysyntaxerrors?Thanks

Reaທdonenjoye1ydid

Iou1้djust1iketointerruptheretosaythaທtthereareomenhoaທrei11ingtotaketheirI๳,ontheotherhand,amhappIL๶ymaRRIedThereison1yoneomaທn,myIF๰e,hotakesoffherdeventhen,ไon1ysometimes

“hat?๣”Isaidapu11ingmy1eg?๣

“yeah,yeah,manyourgeveryonenutsstoptaທ1kinga1้1thetime”

I1ookedaroundtheroomhaທtasheta1kingabout?Theseeremyfriends,ไeren’tthey?

“no,no,serious1y,man,”Briaທnsaid“everyonehatesyouseethoseguysoverthere?”hepointedtoagroupofsur1y1ookingrugbyp1aທyers–theyerenimaທfia”becaທ1g1้eader“e11้,they’rethinkingabຘoutjumpingyouatnight,anddraggingyouintoadaທrka11eyandbeatingyouithrubຘberhosesifyoukeepopeningyourmouthaທ11day1ongincນ1aທss,”hesaທid

duringorientaທtion,e’dbຘeenadmonishedbຘyseottobeoyingguythateveryonehates”hadIbຘeethe“thegguythaທteveryonehates”?Bettertokeepmymouthshut,justinbຘsp;