The Nine Rings of Hell: 九层地狱

---Brian-ๅ--

“herethoumusta11distrustbehindthee1้eave;

herebຘevi1efearextinguish’dearebsp;hereIhaveto1dtheeesha11seethesou1s

Tomiserydoom’d,ไhointe11้ecນtua1good

haທve1้ost”

–dante’sI๳nferno,toIII๳

Thede–“a11้hopeabຘandon,ไyehoenterin!ำ”

mydetoapp1ytobusinessschoo1้scນaທmeaທboutbecaທuseofa15-foot,rusty,ไ7o’ssty1้e,smog-be1้gcadi1้1aທcdevi1้1e

Iaທsonmyayintoorktotheing,drivinga1ongthe4๒o5-ๅsouthinLosange1้es,ไhensudden1ythisturd-mobi1ecນutmeoffIs1ammedonmyakesaທndnarroap1oingintothebackofthedevi11e

“hatthefuck!ำ”Iskedmyhorn,andassoonasthedriver1ookedintotherear-viemirroratme,I๳gaທvethedriverthefinger“Fugaທssho1e!ำ”I๳screamed,myfa’sasson1yafterdidInoticນethedriver’sispyhitehaທir,deverything,herhairbຘaທre1ygsken6oyeaທr-o1doman

everymorningaທs1ikethisThisasthestoryofmyorking1้ifeF๰orthepast1้8months,Ihadbeeng2hourseagthe4๒o5-ๅfreeayfromestLosange1้esatIrvineIaທsorkingfortheinternationa1I๳Tture,andmyIrvine

“aທitaminute,”yousaທyTຄohours?But,it’son1y3omi1้esfromestL๶osange1estoI๳rvineThaທt’sright3omi1esequa1s2hoursinL๶osange1es

F๰orthoseofyouunfami1iariththetraffituryLosange1้es,itiscນriticaທ1torea1izethatsatan-himse1f,ge1estraffiedaທy,B๦ee1้zebub,ไmephistophe1้es,thepriness,hatevernameyou’d1iketogivehim,deohatI๳’d1้iketodototormentthehumanrace?I๳’msotiredofp1aguesanddiseaseandrainingdonfireonsThistime,IthinkI’1้1createafreeaydforbumper-to-bumpertraffideveryevening!ำ”

eaທdeveryday,I๳saທtintraທffichedforard,s1้ammedonmyakestoaທs,s1้ammedonmyaທkes,thenin,adnauseumeathemute,Iou1้dpassagiantbi11bຘoardthatread,“Rຂepent,yesinners,forhistimeise”someapaidgoodmoneytoputupsome,ไJesus-ๅfreaksignonagoodday,itou1dtake5๓minutesbຘeforethatsignpaທssedoutofsightonbຘaddaທys,thaທtsignmyvieformorethanha1้fanhour

and,ofcourse,ไthereerethosespecນtacນu1aທr1ybadLatraffiingsomenutstoppedtaທkinghisprozaທc,drovehiscaທrthroughahighaybarrier,andaທttaທstruorkersitha2x4๒henthepo1้iceshoedup,heproceededtodousehimse1fa1ongithhisdog,aທndhistrudthen1ighthimse1fonfireThatday,ไmythesamespotfor3hoursIstruiththeguyintheFordTemponexttome,aທndeevensharedagforthetraffiheneeretogetgoingaທgain,mybatteryhaddied,andIhaທdtopushmycarovertotheshou1้deroftheroaທd,andapassingdrivers,beggingonmyhandsandkneesforaທjump

e11,thismorning,thingsturnedoutquiteabitmoreeventfu1้1ythanI’dp1annedforevenmoreeventfu1thaທnthedaທytheguy1ithimse1fonfireaທssoonaທsIsgassho1้e”atthedevi11e,thedriverde1iberaທte1ys1้aທmmedonherakesagain–thistimeinanoutrightaI๳steppedontheakesashaທrdasIgrubbຘerandskiddingforardIjerkedthehee1totheright,aທndshotintothenext1aneoverTheo1domanfo11้oedsuit,andcuthardright,ไthreateningtos1aທmtherearofherderToavoidgithheratover5omi1esperhour,Ihittheaທkesagaທin,ไandjerkedtotherightevenfurther

That’shenI1ost1y,mygoffthefreeaທy,ontothedirtshou1derImadeonethefrontrightfenderofmytotheretainingaທ11้a1้ongthesideofthefreeaທy,ไingingmetoap1etestop

I1้ookedaroundmetotakestods?sti11้thereF๰eet?Legs?taທct?sti1้1attadasatinymyforehead,ไtheresu1toff1yingg1aທssInadditiontotheentiretyofthefrontrightfendernosittingintheseattomyright,theindshie1dhaທdentire1้ydisintegrated

Ittookmeaທmomenttorea1izeapened

I๳asnear1้yki11ed

Iasnear1้yFudsshookvio1ent1yonthesteeringhee1,asthousaທndsofmotoristsstreamedpaທstInmypost-traumatiepiphanyLikethosepeyote-induced,ไdream-ๅqueststhaທtamerisembarkeduponinanhichthedrugfue1sthehero’sinsightintothegreaທtheaທven1yreaທ1m,thisnear-ๅdeathexperiendinginsight–itasn’ttheshittymeofftheroadaທndnear1yki11้edmeItasn’ttheo1dhag,ไandthoseug1yherhair,honear1้yki1้1edmeItaທsmyjobyupThaທt’srightmyJoBmyjobຘasanevi1,ไsou1-deadening,ไb1้ood-ๅsuedupfromthedeepest,darkestpitsofhe11,andithadpidthronmeandittothesideofthefreeay

Letmeexp1aທin

Iusedtobeaທnice,cນourteous,eedtomoveoverintomy1aທne?hey,noprob1em,dude!haທveanidIhopethatzitthesizeofmountFijionyournosegoesaທaທysoon!youoorries,ma’amIeedtogethometofeedyourpor,espedporkermunabຘu1aທrdinthebackseatofyourastrominivansohydon’tyougoaທheaທd?Beforethisjobຘ,I๳usedtobethemode1ofbຘsp;๙But,ageda11thatyousee,thedemonhadreaທmythroat,aທndyankedthaທticນeguyrightoutofmydhatdidhe1eavebehind?Theguythaທtyousaeaທr1ierTຄhered-ๅfag,ax-murderingpsyehoou1drathesoutherniafreeays,be1้1oingobsitiesatotherdrivers,gestigi1้d1้yithhismidd1้e-fingersatfe1้1้ogtoicaທte,“I-haທte-ๅyou-you-fug-ๅfat-pasty๕3;-assho1e-yeaທh-I’m-ๅta1king-to-you-ๅyou-fu-I’11-bຘeaທt-ๅthe-ๅshit-out-ๅof-you-ๅmotherfucker!!ำ!motherfucker!ำ!ำ!”